Northern Shores

This ad for Microsoft Songsmith makes it seems like a really bad idea. It probably is.

This post is not tagged as music.

The Swedish music industry has a yearly ceremony for patting itself on the back, just like all other countries have. I have no problems with that. But what I don’t like is how it makes the Swedish music scene look like a stagnated old pool of middle aged loosers. Just look at these finalists:

Group of the year

• Backyard Babies: These guys formed in the 80’s and have been doing a rather bland hard rock/punk mix since then.
• Bo Kaspers Orkester: A very good jazz-rock-pop band with serious easy listening influences. Sure, they are good. But no more good this year than with their debut in 1993.
• Kent: These are the mega stars of Swedish rock, sort of Radiohead and Coldplay rolled into one (and divided by half), but in Swedish. But they have been the mega stars of Swedish rock since their second album in 1995.
• The Hellacopters: See Backyard Babies, above. They are even founded by the same guy.
• The Soundtrack Of Our Lives: Founded in 1995, you might thing that this is the newest and most innovative band in the list. But you’d be wrong. This band was formed from the ashes of another band, Union Carbide Productions, formed 1986.

Yeah, as you see these are bands all formed in late 80’s – early 90’s. Yes, by people who are either in their 40s or rapidly approaching it. Is this really accurate of the state of Swedish music?

Of course not. There are lots of good music, but it’s being ignored. Because the Grammis is not about the music industry giving praise to the ones who deserve it. Nope, it’s an advertising stunt, and the people who get to be finalists are the ones the record industry thinks have the chance of selling more albums with a bit of exposure. That’s why Kent always wins, but only if they released an album. Funny that, isn’t it? Touring evidently doesn’t count as being a band. That’s also the reason the defunct band Gyllene Tider became artist of the year in 1996, even though the band even didn’t exist for ten years, but did a temporary reunion tour. Gyllene Tider was the Kent of the early 80’s if you wonder, and all those people with no taste in music that is my age will of course go out and buy their records. Especially since we apparently don’t know how to use Pirate bay.

Oh! There we have it! It’s not the music scene that stagnated. It’s just that kids of today, that listen to good and interesting music, and not to middle-aged farts who think they rock, they don’t buy records, they just download them!

That explains it. Or not.

So, it’s a new year. I would wish you happy new year, if I didn’t know it was completely futile. It’s only going to get worse. And I’m not talking about the recession, but about music. Put on Ligeti’s Requiem to set the proper doomsday mood, and read the top 5 disastrous things making 2009 worse than ever:

5. Amy Winehouse will either die, hence make no more wonderful records, or clean up, fix all the problems in her head and as a result do no more wonderful records. Best case she will clean up, grow up and make a comeback as a classical jazz singer in 2030, and promptly become a national treasure. But 2009 will suck.

4. Radiohead will continue to make some sort of history, but no matter what they release it will be still worse. It’s time to face the fact, they reached their peak with Kid A/Amnesiac and nothing will ever be that good again. The year 2000 was the pinnacle of western civilization. Keep those albums near and dear in 2009, you will need their excellence to get through the year.

3. Kate Perry will continue to do boring music, but while she in 2008 compensated for it by sodomizing a cake, in 2009 she will not make an ass out of herself at all. Except musically. Sorry, being cute does not compensate for torturing my ears like that. If she makes a face plant in a heap of dung I will forgive her.

2. The record companies will get even more desperate, convince even more politicians that file sharing should be illegal, with the result that in the end, pretty much everybody under 40, and many above, will be criminals. Which is very handy if you want to throw somebody in jail for no particular reason. As a result the state will start monitoring peoples Internet connections. 1984 is 30 years late, but well on the way.

1. Guns’n Roses are back and will do a tour. Guns’n Roses songs was always boring and inane, with stupid lyrics and the new album is no different. Mediocre songs by a mediocre band. Except of course, Axl Rose, who is far from mediocre. He can’t sing, his voice is whiny and nasal and he dances like a lubed up anal probe on slippery ice. Slash’s hat was stupid and his hair just silly. Still, Slash was a decent guitar player, so that’s a saving grace right? Wrong, he quit in 1996. The only positive thing that can be said about Guns’n Roses is that they took the concept of overhyped crap bands to new heights, and held that crown until Limp Bizkit arrived around 2000 and totally wiped their asses with all other contenders to that porcelain throne.

So there you go. 2009 will be a crap year in music. Trust me.